5 Sentences By Mariela Michelena About Relationships
Mariela Michelena is a psychoanalyst specializing in relationships between couples. In her books she shows us how a person who suffers from emotional dependence lives, and the most wrong and toxic way in which this type of relationship can develop, in addition to all the problems that arise from this way of relating.
As years go by and as we move forward, we seem to get stuck in a series of illusions, expectations and wrong steps to follow, which continue to lead to disastrous relationships. In this context of the relationship as a couple, it seems that we keep stumbling over the same rock. Perhaps these phrases by Mariela Michelena will help us to get rid of old beliefs and adopt healthier ones.
Quotes by Mariela Michelena that invite us to reflect
1. “Suffering for love is free”
This is one of the first sentences of Mariela Michelena, very blunt and that highlights our facility to put ourselves in a position of suffering. A suffering that is sometimes preventable and sometimes not, so that in the latter we gain when we are smart when it comes to managing this internal pain. Suffering can arise from not being able to have a child or because the accounts do not close between what we need to live and the resources we have.
However, when we talk about suffering for love, we are referring to suffering for not loving or not loving us. Are we with our partner because we are afraid of being alone? In these cases we suffer for love, a love that is not being healthy.
When we suffer for love, we won’t get anything in return, even though we believe it will. “If I am submissive, he will remain with me; if I don’t say what I think, he won’t leave me”. These thoughts make the relationship become toxic and we adopt harmful attitudes that go against our own person. Even if we believe otherwise, it’s never worth it…
2. “We turn any frog that passes us into a prince charming”
The second of Mariela Michelena’s sentences that we have chosen speaks of this eternal search for the enchanted prince. A quest that doesn’t end very well, because in our frustration at waiting for what doesn’t come, we end up turning any frog into a prince. Until, with time and with great difficulty, we were able to remove the veil we had placed on our own eyes and discover the true reality. So we feel cheated by the other, when the idealization was ours.
Many people don’t expect anyone to really like them. Others start dreaming and creating expectations the first time someone greets them. Haste is never a good companion, and even less so in relationships. This is where we should weigh well what we want, what we are looking for, and open our eyes wide to see if the person in front of us corresponds to the image we have created of her.
3. “A man is not a baby”
There are many people who treat their partners as if they were children or babies. The woman, in this case, acts like a mother and treats her partner like a baby. The circle closes when this “baby” offers you unconditional love.
Unconditional love is an unconditional love in which, as Mariela Michelena says, “whoever loves with an unconditional love does it because he wants to, because he wants to and because he commands his loves”. It doesn’t need reciprocity, your own love is enough and that’s enough for both of you. It is a love that we can give to a child, but not to our partner.
If we analyze the situation, we will realize that to love a man as if he were a baby is to love an illusion, something that exists only in our minds. If we open our eyes we will realize that this baby has a beard, is adult and self-sufficient. To give him unconditional love is to give him enormous power, and he can hurt us. In fact, this says a lot about how little love we have for ourselves.
4. “Passion for life? Some people can have it, but it doesn’t happen in most cases”
Mariela Michelena warns us about the belief that if we find true love, the passion will never fade. That’s not right, because the coexistence, the routine, the problems… Definitely, love alone will not keep passion at the same level. We do this with our acts, details, commitment, etc.
Although there may be couples whose passion is long-lasting, the “normal” is that this one needs a certain care over the years to keep it going. If not, it can sometimes disappear, causing frustration in the couple.
5. “For love, women are able to sacrifice themselves”
The last of Mariela Michelena’s sentences is extremely important for us to realize that the limits in love, what we deliver and offer, we are the ones who decide. In every relationship we would have to have well-established and clear boundaries. The ones that, under no circumstances, would we tolerate, that would be the triggers for us to pack our bags and leave.
It’s different for each person. For example, there will be people who cannot tolerate infidelity. Others, depending on how it happens (one-night stand, parallel relationship, multiple infidelities), may apply more or less tolerance. The important thing is that we all set these limits. Exceeding them will undermine our values, and this is something that in the long run will backfire.
However, we seem to forget about all this when we enter into a relationship. We are capable of doing the unimaginable, the greatest follies, to maintain something that might not be sustainable. Do we have no limits? Do we not value each other?
The trick to not falling into a relationship that destroys us is to take care of our own self-esteem and not exceed the limits we establish in line with our values. But, above all, we have to learn to move away from beliefs and expectations that favor the idealization of the other.
