Dealing With An Unexplained End Of Relationship (ghosting)

Many of us let someone else inhabit our hearts on one condition: that they don’t break anything. We take action and warn us, but they still catch us off guard. It occurs when, for example, we face an inexplicable end of a relationship, when overnight they use magic dust and disappear as entities into the afterlife, without a “we need to talk” or “sorry, it’s over”.

They say all broken people are made up of unresolved stories. That somehow, most of the unresolved issues that flicker in our minds evoke lingering discomforts from that still-burning past. Now sometimes the matter is more complicated. Because more than being made up of unresolved chapters, what’s in us are endless stories, shadows of people who left us overnight without giving a reason.

We know the subject is not new. In the United States, used to giving a label to each characteristic, behavior or dynamic, the situation is called “ghosting”. This act of disappearing from someone’s life – with whom, until recently, an affectionate bond was maintained – is recurrent  to the point that, on average, it happens to all of us at least once or twice in our lives. Or worse, it may be that we ourselves are the ones who carry out this behavior.

So, and although it is often said that leaving someone without an explanation is a male art, we must consider some aspects. Abandoning without giving a reason is not an art, it is disrespectful and a characteristic of immaturity. Furthermore, this act is not male-only. Men and women do it, even more so in this era of new technologies, where it is possible to end a relationship with a single click and/or a simple block.

An inexplicable end of relationship and the search for a why

There is no written law that tells us before you leave someone, you have to tell them why . Nobody forces us to have this final conversation, to list one by one the reasons for our decision, for the change. Nor do we sign a contract that obliges us to explain why the heart no longer beats the same way.

It’s like that, nobody governs the rules of what should or should not be done in an affectionate relationship. However, there is a sense of ethics, of moral and emotional respect, there is maturity and courage. Therefore, and as this type of principle does not come from the factory, but from education, there are many people who have to face an inexplicable end of relationship and what it implies.

Although there is not much clinical literature on all the psychological processes that the abandoned person tends to experience, we can say that they almost always follow the same dynamic. They are as follows:

• The person is unable to take the relationship as complete. When there is no clear explanation, it enters into an unsuccessful dynamic to get back in touch. All of this leads to greater anxiety, despair and the impossibility of closing this stage.
• It’s not like leaving a relationship knowing the root cause and being abandoned overnight for no reason. Doubts, the attempt to rationalize the irrational, lead a person to feel guilty,  to think that he is the reason for this abandonment.
• The mourning period can last for months and even not end. This open wound, this permanent doubt, creates a void where resentment, frustration and distrust begin to settle. This means that it is very difficult to start new relationships or that they are of quality.

How to deal with an inexplicable end of relationship?

There are no unreasonable abandonments. Unexplained endings occur more often than we think, and you need to know how to deal with them, respond to them, and most importantly, survive them. Let’s see some guidelines that can help us in these cases.

accept the evidence

Calls that are not answered, messages that are not returned, social profiles blocked. Days that turn into weeks when there is no communication, no contact and even less presence. That person’s contacts, friends and family shy away and give us excuses…

We could cite more clues, but the evidence supporting the idea of ​​abandonment and termination is clear. Let us avoid stretching the inevitable and proceeding to accept what has happened: we have to say goodbye to the other before his silence.

Validate

They will tell you to “turn the page”, “accept”, “forget the person”. Well, that will all come a little later. The first and most necessary step is to validate ourselves and what we feel. It is time to recognize the wound, to cry, to externalize this pain and to find ourselves with this fragmented being.

take responsibility

As much as we try, it will not always be possible to arrange a meeting with this person to give us a reason. And this is something we must assume: we will be forced to shape a mourning without a final conversation. We will have to provide a solution for this chapter, and for that we must combine courage and responsibility.

• Responsibility, first and foremost, to ourselves. Because if they left us, the last thing we have to do is abandon us. We must take the reins and understand that we are 100% responsible for our own recovery. There is no going back, we must stop trying to get in touch, beg for a new meeting or make plans to match whoever left us.

Time and work: pain and anger management

If there is one thing that remains after an unexplained breakup, it is pain and anger. We must understand that these two dimensions do not disappear on their own over time. They are tough, they fit together and can completely condition our lives.

So let’s learn to deal with them. For this, it is advisable to start new activities, use the support of friends and family, start projects that excite us and allow us to channel these emotions, which are so complex that they undermine identities and veto new happiness.

Focus on the present moment to heal

Anyone who is facing an unexplained termination lives anchored to the past and conditional time. What would have happened if he had done something else instead? What if he had said that? Why didn’t I notice…?

This kind of reasoning is an inexhaustible source of suffering.

• To overcome this pain and advance in our grief, it is necessary to leave a space for the present. Facing the current moment with openness, resilience and dignity will allow us to break the bond of pain that anchors us to the past.

Finally, we have one more task. Make constructive learning out of our current suffering. It is clear that few pains are as deep as the wound of abandonment, however, our human potential can allow us to get out of it. We can survive this unexplained breakup, we can go on because we have the tools to do it.