Regret In A Relationship: Why Did I Fall In Love With You?

Regret in a relationship is a very common experience. Many are those who harbor in their affective history events they prefer to forget and people of whom they keep unpleasant memories. “How can I have fallen in love with him or her? How could I have not realized who he really was before? Why did I do so many things for someone who deserved nothing?”

These and other questions are the ones that often surf in our minds, fueling discomfort, frustration and the wick of bad memories. As the saying goes, “from good relationships are good memories, and from bad ones, learning”. However, the latter is not always true.

There are many who remain with the wound, with the chronic pain of everything they have experienced. It is difficult to learn something when what is felt is traumatic suffering, and even more when we have a negative view of ourselves for having lived an unenriching bond for so long…

What can we do in these situations?

Tips for dealing with regret in a relationship

Regret in a relationship is a reality that science has been studying for years. Studies like those carried out at the University of Illinois, for example, show that this phenomenon is more common than we think. Most of us reflect on things we should have done and didn’t do, as well as the bonds that we should have avoided from the start.

This kind of reflection has been called, in this study, counterfactual thoughts. Likewise, it is interesting to know that both men and women suffer from the feeling of regret for having started certain relationships. Furthermore, if the psychological field is interested in this series of experiences, it is for a very specific and important fact.

Regret and counterfactual thinking have a big impact on emotional well-being, decision making, behavior regulation and mental health. So it’s useless to say to someone, “Don’t worry, you always learn something from bad relationships.” However, no one can take the step to establish certain learnings when what they experience is high suffering.

How to deal with this kind of experience? Let’s analyze.

Clarify in detail what you regret

Regret in a relationship doesn’t just come from feeling frustration at having invested time and emotions in someone who just didn’t deserve them. It’s something deeper and more complex. You may feel bad that you gave up your dreams for that ex-partner. Also for not having realized before that he was being deceived.

The person may even regret not having fought hard enough for that relationship, neglecting the other, or making mistakes. Repentance takes many forms and languages. Therefore, it is essential to clarify what really hurts us and what are the specific dimensions that cause us suffering.

Learn to process all emotions

Do you really know what the emotion of regret is “made of”? There are those who say that it is a useless psychological reality because it blocks us, because nothing arises from it. However, understand that this is wrong. To begin with, this emotional construction hides the weight of sadness, which should encourage us to reflect on what we experienced and what happened.

It also integrates a brushstroke of anger or rage, emotions that drive us to react, to face what hurts or bothers us. Likewise, regret in a relationship bears the mark of disappointment.

Release the guilt: you didn’t know what was going to happen

The relationship lived and left behind did not bring her happiness, it is true. You feel regret and even anger that you had high hopes for something that came to nothing. Now, the last thing to feed in these situations is guilt or shame. You didn’t know what was going to happen, you don’t have a crystal ball that reveals everything that’s going to happen in the near future.

Falling in love and committing to a relationship is something we do from the heart. Doing the unspeakable for someone is the norm in every relationship, because to love is to fight, is to work for what you want. We cannot regret this, because each of these dimensions makes us valuable and noble. What would happen next is something we could not predict.

Repentance in a relationship is another phase of grief

Regret in a relationship is another part of grieving after a breakup. When we end the affective bond with someone, it is common for the pain of regret to appear. However, the last thing we should do is “freeze” the grief at this stage, stay with the pain that doesn’t progress, with the discomfort that doesn’t resolve.

Accepting what happened, letting go of the guilt and being able to trust ourselves less and the future is essential. If later on we can learn from all that we live, so much the better. However, there are experiences that only need to be lived, accepted and overcome.