Apologize And Repair Damage: Something Narcissists Will Never Do

The narcissistic person can seem charming from afar, can seem self-assured and even attentive when he has a goal in mind. However, there is something she almost never does, especially in relationships: apologize, take damage, make amends.

Experts on the subject say that this is due to an egocentric and dominant attitude, where there is not always a clear glimmer of empathy.

In our friendly relationships, relationships between work colleagues and family, misunderstandings and occasional disagreements are common. Sometimes, and almost without being aware of it, we can offend them and do some harm. In these cases, we don’t hesitate to apologize sincerely to rebuild that bond and learn from what happened. The goal is that it doesn’t happen again.

Thus, the more social and emotional intelligence, the greater the predisposition not only to apologize, but also to do so effectively. In these cases, the person skilled in these skills makes use of a clear emotional openness, a great sincerity and a real desire to make amends for what happened.

But what happens in the case of narcissists? Studies such as those carried out by Joost M. Leunissen and Constantine Sedikides, from the University of Nottingham, make it very clear:  this type of profile does not always experience a sense of guilt for the transgressions committed.

This makes that, even if the person feels “socially” pressured to take the first step to repair the situation, the act of doing so provokes contradiction, resistance and even suffering for going against his own ego. Let’s see more about this below.

The narcissistic person and the act of apologizing

Masterson (1981) reminds us that the narcissistic personality lies in a continuous line.  This profile ranges from what is considered normal (where there is a more or less adequate regulation of self-esteem) to the already pathological extreme that defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

In the latter case, these people need to build and protect the image of a clearly oversized “I”. With that, they are able to protect that inner piece that is so weak and broken: self-esteem. Therefore, they aspire to offer an image of high efficiency, perfection and deification.

What happens the moment the narcissist commits a transgression? What happens, for example, when your partner scolds you for your lack of respect, derogatory words, selfishness, or lack of attention?

What actually happens is simple: he cannot assume these flaws. Doing so causes the narcissistic person to come into conflict with this image of perfection that he strives to maintain.

The narcissist loves “mirror” people in which he can reflect himself, does not admit contradictions

Andrew P. Morrison is one of the foremost experts on the narcissistic personality. Thus, in his introduction to  Essential Papers on Narcissism,  he indicates that narcissists seek, first and foremost, “mirror” people.

• Narcissists prefer types of relationships where the other party is limited to reflecting their virtues. He wishes, so to speak, that others act as the magic mirror of Snow White’s evil stepmother, who repeated daily that she was the prettiest in the kingdom.
• If, at some point, this mirror rebels and speaks of its flaws, mistakes and derogatory words, the narcissist will hardly apologize.
• He won’t do it because he doesn’t have a feeling of guilt. In the case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, empathy is often very low. Therefore, the narcissist cannot understand why the other person is hurt or worried.

• Furthermore, given that this profile understands relationships as mere links or transactions from which you can get “benefits”, you can tell the other person that this is their problem, that they have nothing to do with it.

These dynamics, as we can well imagine, can be very harmful in relationships,

The narcissist will make you believe it was your mistake

We know that apologizing is a step the narcissist will not take. However, something even more complex and contradictory could happen.

• This type of personality, although we don’t think it suffers much, suffers intensely, as it always feels frustrated and bitter. Their low self-esteem continually puts them on a battlefield where they try to fight in the most golden armor and crown in the realm.
• This need to appear perfection, efficiency and godliness happens face to face with a reality that does not tolerate these types of attitudes.

• However, something that often happens very often in relationships is when the other person demands an apology for a situation, and then the narcissist will try to make the person think it was their mistake, not yours. The reason for that? Because I don’t understand, because I don’t see things the same way, because I’m weak or even ignorant…

So, and almost without realizing it, things change. Let’s not forget that people with Narcissistic Disorder are skilled manipulators, so it’s very possible that we’re the ones who will apologize to them…

What to do with narcissists who don’t want to apologize?

It is convenient to go back to what we talked about at the beginning. There are many types of narcissists ; we are facing a continuous line that goes from the lowest to the highest intensity, where it is worth mentioning, for example, psychopathic narcissists.

In this case, they are profiles that appear to be clearly normal and functional, but are tremendously effective at emotionally damaging others.

• Narcissists need expert help. They need a therapeutic intervention with which to work their antisocial reasoning, their self-esteem, their dream of superiority, acceptance of their own imperfections, their empathy, etc. They must be fully aware of the harm they do to their behavior and attitudes.
• On our part, in everyday life with a narcissist who refuses to apologize, there are only two options: either there is respect, or there isn’t; either we will give him the opportunity to change and seek  expert help, or we will consider the possibility of establishing a distance.

In many cases, and always depending on each narcissistic personality subtype, we can achieve great strides and improvements.

So don’t lose hope. If you have a family member, partner, or friend with this trait, make them aware of the impact of their behavior and the need to seek help.