Are You And Your Partner Tired Of Arguing Over The Same Thing?
Relationship arguments are inevitable, but by no means are they more bearable. Even more when the reasons are always the same. Repeatedly. It’s annoying, isn’t it? Are you tired of arguing with your partner for the same usual reason? The subject was not clear, even after so many times hitting the same key?
The good news is that we can come to an agreement that immediately reduces the amount of time we are devoting to a particular issue; however, it is first necessary to identify the root of the problem. Often it is not about something specific, but about the discussion in general. In this case, the strategy for approaching the problem is different, as there are usually other reasons, such as the power struggle between the couple, that contribute to the confrontation.
Educational model based on relational misunderstanding
One of the main reasons many couples argue repeatedly is because they learned to do this from their parents. They internalized the idea that it is not possible to manage conflicts between the couple. At the same time, they also learned to use strategies to make the discussion last. One of these strategies is to recycle arguments: repeating them several times with different words, generating the feeling that there is always new information to give.
Just as their parents squandered these arguments every time they were bothered by something, their children do the same to their partners. In reality, what is sought is to proclaim the superiority of one’s position, and not understand each one’s perspective in order to reach an agreement accepted by both, which serves to restore harmony.
That is, many couples argue because they learned a model based on relational misunderstanding. This model is contrary to the idea that it is possible to productively negotiate a conflict. Deep down, he sends a very clear message: couple problems are irreconcilable and the only way to get out of this impasse and overcome frustration is to intimidate the other more than he intimidates him. It works that way until both end up so tired and distressed that they stop out of sheer exhaustion, often after forgetting the reason that started the discussion.
The solution is to identify whether this situation exists in our couple discussions. Do we recycle the same arguments over and over? Are our discussions similar to our parents? Do we know why we really argue? Do discussions always arise from the same demands and objections? Do we automatically react to certain situations, like a spring, and start arguing out of the blue?
Now think about how healthy your parents’ relationship was, whether it ended well, whether they were happy as a couple. If you don’t want that for yourself, start changing the chip and getting used to the idea that there is another way to manage couple conflicts. It is possible to live without arguing with your partner every day, making the confrontations end in an agreement and not a truce that only serves for the two to regain strength, returning to the same situation when energy levels stabilize.
It is possible to reach an agreement, but it is necessary to start acting as if it were possible, eliminating this automatic pattern of behavior, reprogramming the reactions to the stimuli you must identify. In this regard, you should cultivate the attitude that most differences in your relationship as a couple are reconcilable.
Self-protection when you feel vulnerable in relationship discussions
Getting upset with each other is also a way to protect ourselves, especially when we feel attacked or vulnerable. This reaction occurs when we feel threatened, which makes us fight back and try to win the battle as a way to avoid being exposed.
Too often, we are dependent on the opinion and appreciation of our partners. Thus, when the other questions our competence, our intelligence or our virtues, we feel our self-esteem seriously compromised, that is, we feel vulnerable. That’s why we feel the need to defend ourselves, because that makes feelings of vulnerability immune.
On the other hand, when we try to defend ourselves in this way, it is common that we end up attacking the other at their points of greatest vulnerability, blaming them for our problems without measuring the damage we can cause with what we are reproaching. What was once fear, can now be a feeling of power and strength thanks to the increase in adrenaline, which can be a reinforcement of this attitude so poisonous in the long run.
In this context, when anger comes up very easily, we tend to forget to listen to the other. Let us remember that we are trying to “defend ourselves”. The solution is to learn to validate ourselves, to strengthen our own ego without conditioning it on anyone else. We need to find our own path of growth and personal enrichment, accepting ourselves unconditionally, with our own shortcomings.
We often argue about our issues that we see reflected in each other. However, if we are able to accept ourselves and be benevolent, compassionate and understanding with ourselves, to forgive ourselves, we will also be able to treat the other in the same way. The solution is also to seek a different perspective, with empathy and understanding. Understanding the other person’s position, even though it is different from ours, will help us alleviate anger and maintain control.
There are differences that are irreconcilable
There are certain differences in discussions with your partner that, by their very nature or ideology, simply cannot be resolved. These unresolved discrepancies can be adapted, or even accepted, but that does not make them compatible.
The problem is that this distance is difficult to close and, despite our efforts, problems often arise. Because, despite knowing that the differences are there, irrationally we end up feeling threatened by these disagreements. In fact, arguing with a partner for ideological or personal reasons is usually a form of self-assertion and rebelling against the feeling of alienation that the other causes us.
The solution to overcoming these irreconcilable differences, whatever their nature, is to identify them and simply exclude them from the conversation. That is, we must strive to appreciate and respect these unchanging differences. It is necessary for us to focus on the points where we can reach an agreement, without feeling that the other’s convictions or their way of being are a threat to our convictions and our way of being.
