I Feel Like I Don’t Fit In: What To Do?

I feel like I don’t fit in, what can I do? There are many people who, in a way, spend a huge amount of their precious energy trying to integrate, to be like others, to be part of collectives, even renouncing their individuality to find a sense of belonging. In most of these cases, we forget a basic aspect: the exceptional side of being unique, different from the rest.

However, there is something that is clear to all of us: there are people who suffer the weight of stigma, isolation. As social creatures that we are, we need more than just interacting with others. At the same time, we want to feel part of something, of someone. Without a doubt, we look for a minimum feeling of belonging, security, and those roots to continue growing in our personal project.

So, although they sometimes talk about the importance of reinforcing our individuality, of strengthening the “magic” of being different, in reality it would only be a matter of knowing how to balance the scales. We all feel this uncomfortable duality between what we are and what we must show the world to be accepted.

Therefore, well-being would start by not losing the essence and sense of self. The secret lies in being accepted by people who are significant to us, by beings capable of appreciating everything we are, with our particularities, grandeur and even insecurities.

I feel like I don’t fit in and I suffer for it

It’s hard not to feel like a stranger in this world. It seems that, at times, we are going against the grain, that we are stateless living in a scenario where everyone seems to be enchanted by the same melody, while we feel inspired by another. Perhaps we are like those fascinating trees, the jacarandas that bloom in a violet hue while around them the other trees display only the green color.

When I feel like I don’t fit in, I suffer for it (a rule as real as it is often). The tricky part of all this is that we are talking about suffering that can become chronic very easily. Because the feeling of not feeling integrated is often born in childhood. For example, it is common to think that there is a problem with us, that “blossoming” in a violet hue, like the tree mentioned above, is something negative. When, in reality, we all have hues that make us exceptional in the forest of life.

Bowen’s Theory of Life Forces

Dr. Murray Bowen (1913-1990) developed the theory of vital forces in the 1950s, observing how we develop from an emotional and a natural point of view at the same time.

• Bowen explained something very valuable about this approach. This theory postulates that in human beings there are two basic and, at the same time, opposing vital forces.
• The first is a very powerful growth force that leads us to individuality, where we build a self separate from our family, friends, society…
• The second is another equally powerful force that drives us, in turn, to seek and need emotional closeness.
• According to this approach, most of us move daily through this often painful duality. We feel different because our sense of self seeks to separate itself from the rest. However, we aim to fit in, to be part of those dynamics in which others move.

When we suffer the “stigma” of not fitting in anywhere

When I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, I can’t blame myself. At times I may think that the world itself is meaningless. This is exactly what was shown in a study conducted at the University of Michigan by Dr. Gregory Walton and Dr. Geoffrey M.Cohen.

In this work, it was possible to observe that people who suffer the “stigma” of exclusion, constantly suffering from the “uncertainty of belonging”, present a decrease in their motivation, academic and professional performance and, in turn, have a greater risk of ending up suffering some kind of psychological change.

I want to fit in: what can I do?

Often, this idea of ​​“I feel that I don’t fit in” has its origins in the family. Our education and the dynamics that emerge in these microscenarios mark us early on with the idea that “we are not normal”. For example, we are not normal in our parents’ eyes because we may not be as bright as our siblings.

Because we are more rebellious, because our hobbies, our preferences and our passions don’t fit the family’s project. In this way, we can carry this brand for years, reducing our social skills, our self-concept and our identity. Therefore, to strengthen these dimensions and improve our sense of belonging, it is worth reflecting on these ideas.

Define who you are and allow yourself to shine

One of the most interesting contributions Carl Jung left us was his theory of individuation. According to this approach, one of our most important responsibilities is: awakening our potential, individual awareness, overcoming fears and resistance and expressing ourselves to the world as we are. Safely and happily.

This process takes time. However, before “we want to fit in with others”, it is more appropriate to “fit in with ourselves”. We must promote self-acceptance, knowing who we are and what we want.

It’s not about “fitting in”; all resistance creates pain

We’ve all tried to force-fit a piece into a puzzle hole. Instantly, we realize that it’s no use using force. Not when the shapes don’t fit together, not when the gaps don’t fit the edges.

• We must understand that, in reality, life is not about fitting in, it’s about flowing. If we try to do this by force, we will suffer and we may even choose to sacrifice part of who we are to fit in a wrong puzzle.
• We must understand that there will be people, places and groups with whom we feel identified and others with whom we do not. Also, in our journey to find a sense of belonging with someone, we can make a thousand variations until we find our ideal space.

Be yourself every day of your life and your “tribe” will come to you

It’s okay if, for a while, we make our own trip alone. During this journey, we will limit ourselves to celebrating ourselves. Sometimes, following the rhythm of a passion or a very unique impulse, we end up finding our own “tribe”. That’s where everything harmonizes, where we are accepted and valued for each nuance, for each special corner.

In conclusion, if you feel that you don’t fit in, the first thing you can do is reduce that anguish. Managing fears, polishing insecurities, and brightening your own sense of self and self-esteem muscle are actions that will help us find our place.