Praise In Public And Correct In Private, But Don’t Hurt

Exalt your children’s virtues in public, praise them when they deserve it, but let them correct their mistakes in a private setting, without hurting them.  The screams, the loud disapprovals, and the ever-recurring comparisons with other children undermine the children’s self-esteem.

The topic of correcting our children when we are in public is always a complex and sensitive subject. There are mothers and fathers who, simply, do not hesitate to create a scene based on screams and criticism, without thinking about the consequences this can have. A misbehavior, a prank or a word out of place on some occasions triggers a drama that is difficult to forget.

Furthermore, there is also another type of situation that is really particular. Let’s look at an example: we go with our son to a shopping mall and, for whatever reason, his behavior is not ideal. At the same moment, disapproving looks appear around us, like watching birds waiting for punishment. Waiting for the iron discipline that assumes that with a word everything will be solved.

If that doesn’t happen, the subtle label of “bad father” or “bad mother” immediately appears . This social pressure, on some occasions, does not take into account the complex labyrinths that involve raising a child, or even the particularities of each child. Discipline is necessary, of course, and we must correct it, but it must be done well.

It is essential to educate with intelligence, affection, intuition and with enough accuracy not to hurt, nor to further intensify negative emotions. We propose a reflection on this.

Public Disapprovals: Subtle Ways to Hurt

It happens with children as in any other relational dynamic. The person used to correcting or calling his partner’s attention in public with an accusatory, derogatory, and ironic tone hurts. The boss who berates his employee in front of others will never be a good leader.

Once again, we need to make use of Emotional Intelligence. A reproach carried out in front of an audience hurts our self-esteem  and is, above all, a public humiliation carried out without anesthesia and premeditated. If each of us had the proper sensitivity and empathy, we would understand that there are private boundaries we must not cross.

Furthermore, when we talk about education the subject is even more painful. Some teachers, for example, have the bad habit of correcting a student’s error publicly and with a derogatory air: “I’m sure you’ll never pass my subject” . On the other hand, many mothers and fathers tend to weave their children through these needles sharpened with the thread of bad pedagogy.

A common mistake is to compare a child’s behavior with that of a sibling or another child: “your brother is smarter than you”, “your classmates are smarter and you are always the worst at everything”.

• Even so, commenting on personal or behavioral aspects of children with other people in front of the child, as if he could not hear, see or feel, is a common habit that directly affects children’s self-esteem. This needs to be taken into account.
• Screaming correction focusing exclusively on the mistake made, but without educating and without offering improvement or guidance strategies, is a poorly pedagogical strategy that must be avoided.

Correct with patience and respect to promote growth

Correct, guide, discipline, recriminate if necessary, set limits, but always do it with patience, in private and without hurting. In other words, does this mean that we should be “passive” when our children misbehave in public? For sure.

The typical “spanking” that some advocate to stop a child’s untimely behavior is actually the easiest way to further intensify their anger or their negative emotions. Slaps do not educate, hurt and leave internal marks, as well as screams or disapprovals such as “you have no remedy” or “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you”.

To apply discipline in public, if the occasion requires us to do so, we should do as follows.

Discipline keys in public

According to a study done by the “Family Research Laboratory” at the University of Hampshire, reprimanding our children in public leaves behind. Both the negative emotions that these children will have in their daily lives and the frequency of challenging behaviors are intensified. Well, it’s worth keeping in mind the following simple advice:

• Let go of other people’s opinions. Don’t feel pressured by those around you right now, when you’re in a supermarket, at the doctor or on the street: it’s not them you should show that you’re a good father, a good mother, but your child.
• You may feel embarrassed about your child’s misbehavior at this point, but don’t get carried away by frustration. Make use of Emotional Intelligence and try to understand what happens to your child and why this behavior.
• Instead of giving an order with a shout, offer options that make the child reflect : “you have two options, either get up right now or stay on the floor forever while Dad and I go to the park” . Once he obeys, remember: correct this bad behavior at home.

Keep in mind that a child is made of a very delicate material. Her emotional world is sometimes chaotic and explosive: however, it is our task to untangle, alleviate, provide strategies of control and self-knowledge so that she can mature into happiness.

Be patient and understand your emotions. Know that the same things that offend you can also harm your child. So remember, it’s better to praise in public and correct in private, but without hurting.