The Importance Of Using Affective Language With Children

Speak kindly to me, without raising your voice, but with the firmness of someone who can convince me of everything I am capable of doing. Talk to me with smiles once more, so that I can learn quickly that in this world love is what commands, not fear. Give me words of affection whenever you can so that I can master the language of emotions as soon as possible…

Vivette Glover, a perinatal psychobiologist at Imperial College London, says that emotional education starts as soon as the baby is in the mother’s womb. It may seem surprising and even hard to believe, but during the third semester of pregnancy the baby is very sensitive to the voices he hears from the outside world. Amniotic fluid is a great conductor of sound, and although the fetus does not understand language as such, it has a great sensitivity to the emotional charge arising from these tones, these words.

When we come into the world, we are intimately linked to our mother’s voice and to that emotional world that accompanied her throughout these delicate months of pregnancy. We are therefore not strangers in a strange land. The baby already knows the great power that affective language has. In fact, Michel Odent, the famous French obstetrician, reminds us that  just as we must be concerned with the medical check-ups being complied with, it is also important to pay attention to the pregnant woman’s emotional world.

The same happens with the child of 2, 3 or 5 years. We can give her the best, good clothes, balanced diet, toys that reinforce her early stimulation… However, if we don’t nurture her with affection, security and trust through a language that is wise in emotions, this child will not grow as it should. Your brain will develop needs and experience voids that, by the time you reach adolescence, will be filled in another way.

We propose that you reflect on this.

Talk kindly to me, talk to me without hurting me

Words don’t kill, but they have great power to hurt. We all know that, we’ve all experienced it in some way, however, even though we know it very well, we sometimes neglect the way we address our young children and even teenagers. Language has the power to create a certain type of architecture in younger brains,  and this is something that as fathers, mothers, grandparents or educators, we must never neglect.

A bad word, a contempt, a  “you do everything wrong” ,  “you are the dumbest in the room”  or a  “you suffocate me, leave me alone” , leaves a mark on the child’s emotional world to the point of generating states of stress or even childhood depression.

Experiments such as the one carried out at the Atlanta Speech School center  demonstrate that something as simple as  making use of positive language promotes more committed attitudes in students. This encourages them, above all, to take a more positive view of themselves to excel.

The trickiest part of all of this is that, sadly,  not all parents are adept at using affective and transcendent emotional language. Saying “beautiful” requires intuition, will, time, patience and, above all, to have been cured as a woman or as a man in order to exercise a dignified, respectful paternity that allows this child not only to grow in height, but also in safety , self-esteem and emotional intelligence.

The keys to affective communication with children

Daniel Goleman explains to us in his book “Children and Youth Emotional Intelligence” that sometimes  adults even abuse positive reinforcement to the point where it loses all its value. Children are very good at differentiating authenticity from tiredness or simple lack of interest.

When the parent says  “yes, it really is a very nice drawing”  to their 8-year-old child without even looking at their notebook because they are in a hurry, that child doesn’t get the message. She gets the attitude of the parents. Because  a “speak kindly to me” is not making use of the positive clichés of rigor. It’s about stopping, it’s about serving and, above all, knowing how to connect.

The main strategy of affective communication is this same element: knowing how to connect with our children’s minds, emotions and brains. We explain how to do this.

Principles for connecting with children through emotional language

Sometimes, almost without realizing it, we use very little pedagogical strategies with children. It must be said, however, that we do not do this with ill intent. We just don’t understand yet how children process information or what needs they have at each stage of their personal growth.

These are some simple strategies.

• Avoid long speeches.  If you have to teach your child something, make a correction, or explain something concrete, remember the 30-second rule. It is the maximum amount of time a child of a few years will pay attention.

• Giving multiple warnings is useless. Something quite common is that every father or every mother with great day-to-day pressures has children who are slow to “react”. This is because they spend most of their time rushing them: hurry up, get up, get dressed, do this, do that…

• This kind of orderly verbalization will never allow us to connect with our children. Children know that after one order comes another, so it’s not worth obeying the first one. This is not adequate.  Children are not educated in a hurry, but with patience and closeness. Sometimes, it is enough to just give an indication with firmness in your voice, proximity and thinking about the purpose to promote and resolve a behavior.

• Listen when your kids talk to you, demonstrate that every word they say is important to you. Forget the world around you. There is no rush, cultivate patience.

• Pronounce the child’s name with affection and do not use simple or condescending responses when responding.

Dialogue with your children should awaken them, give them an injection of curiosity, discovery and affection, so that they develop a safer, fuller and happier conscience every day, at all times.