The Invisible Emotional Manipulation
I just remembered a case where my advice was asked, I’m going to talk about invisible emotional manipulation.
We all know ways to manipulate, from blackmail, insults, bad humor, etc. But there is another type of harmful manipulation, which is difficult to detect at first, it is a trap that you gradually fall into…
The case of… let’s call it Albert
It is the anonymous case of a smart boy with a normal life. He met a girl who was a psychology student. At that moment, he was going through a stage of loneliness, he was running out of friendships, he was not doing very well in the love field and he was unemployed. These factors make people even more vulnerable to manipulation.
In this girl he found a way out and unconditional support. He suffered an invisible emotional manipulation on the part of the friendship he established with, let’s call it Sandra, who had the psychological knowledge to manipulate Albert.
The manipulations are not always malicious; sometimes, someone’s lack can make us feel the need to manipulate others to get what we need.
Sandra had depression issues, so she wanted to attract Albert, to cheer her up and give her the affection she needed. Let’s say she used Albert, made him fall in love with her so as not to lose him, and count on someone who was always at her feet to help and cheer her up.
Albert was a very nice boy, dedicated, thorough, and with enormous empathic ability. Sandra wanted to capture all these virtues to try to get out of the depressive pit she was in.
From what he told me, this girl didn’t mean to be mean, she was a good person, but because of her depression, she needed to lean on someone other than her family.
Invisible emotional manipulation consists of 2 phases:
The first thing to do is to show yourself to the other person to show some initial slight admiration. It all starts with the phase of pleasing, treating well, giving the most what the other person wants. Who has not heard before the phrase “When we were dating everything was wonderful and right after we got married everything changed”.
Many manipulate during courtship until they get what they want, then change roles, which I’ll talk about later, because they feel they’ve taken ownership of the person.
The handler knows what the other person needs and gives them, sometimes too much, to get them used to this overly pleasant and considerate treatment.
It is a phase in which the manipulator shows all his charms, shows off and when he has the chance, he places himself in a higher place than the manipulated to offer security, friendship and unconditional support. All this just to gain the trust and admiration of the other.
What did Sandra do to capture Albert? The first thing was to show herself, showing him the great psychological work she did daily with her friends and acquaintances. He offered all the information about the work practices he was doing, to position himself above him in relation to mental knowledge.
He took advantage of his profession to be on top and demonstrate to Albert that he was very fortunate to have her friendship and that he could consult her about anything at any time.
The next thing would be to get to know Albert’s emotional world, his weaknesses and needs, and then offer him the support he really needed.
Albert received continual praise from Sandra, and lots of positive reinforcement. Contact was also frequent, daily, so that everyday problems seemed insignificant beside the friendly relationship he had with her.
It’s called invisible emotional manipulation because manipulation goes unnoticed, as initially everything in a relationship is positive.
The key to detecting this situation would be in excesses. Someone can like you, feel affection for you and even admire you, but as long as it is normal. When there is an excess, we must ask ourselves why we are admired so much, whether it is an attempt at manipulation or because the other person’s self-esteem is low and they are idealizing us.
In the manipulation process, the incidence of everything will be greater if, in addition, the person takes advantage of a profession (if you have one that captures the interest and agrees with something that the person likes and is of interest to them).
For example, it is easier for an obese person to fall in love with a nutritionist who helps them, because they will admire this profession, as they need to lose weight.
If an insecure person meets a psychologist who is friendly to him for free, a person who is not in good health is seen and cured by a doctor, or one who is not good at sports, he will surely admire strong and skilled sportsmen.
When we feel we have a need, we admire those who have what we lack. If someone takes advantage of this skill that the other needs and offers to help them for free, they will accelerate the process of admiration or passion because they will position themselves on a higher level, from where they will acquire greater emotional power.
Second phase: Changing roles
Once the handler realizes that he has the complete trust, affection, love, attraction of the other, he moves on to the next phase of role change. If before it was the helper who gave support and security to the other, now he will be the victim.
He has already specifically projected onto the other what he wanted to receive, and as the other person has become attached to him, he will do his best to help him. Once affection or love has been activated, the handler has already taken the reins.
How did Sandra apply the role change? In the beginning, he only told positive things about her, he only showed himself and dedicated himself to supporting, admiring and praising Albert.
But then he began to publicize his problems and victimize himself for the deterioration of his health due to his depression. Albert, already in love with her, gave himself completely to help and cheer her up.
Once the change of roles takes place, the attention, affection and support initially received diminish. This time it is the other person who unconditionally follows.
Sandra made Albert her shoulder, because he listened to her and supported her in whatever way possible. Normally, the person realizes that he got sick, when he feels that in the first phase he was very happy dating that person, but when he goes to the second, everything is bad and pain.
The manipulator can even ignore the person to attract them even more, knowing they have already been caught. Appears and disappears at will because you know that no matter what happens, you already have the other person at your feet.
The manipulated person feels bad because he no longer receives what he received at the beginning and may even feel guilty for having done something wrong that ruined everything. He doesn’t find an explanation for what happened, he doesn’t realize he was manipulated and he’s no longer in the first phase, which was the positive one.
The situation can even turn into an emotional dependency, if the person does not withdraw from the handler as soon as he feels that the relationship causes unhappiness and discomfort.
They tend to fool themselves into thinking that everything will be like the beginning, going back to the initial phase, but the truth is that the only thing the manipulated person can do is to enter a vicious circle of attempts to fix things, where the other does not cooperate and neither behaves as before.
Emotions speak for themselves. If your emotions are negative, it means that the relationship is not healthy. There are situations where reason doesn’t rule because we can’t get inside other people’s minds to know what they’re thinking or why they’re acting a certain way.
But where reason doesn’t rule, there will always be your emotions, which will never deceive you. Where there are manipulations or insane relationships of any kind, the person will experience malaise and negative emotions.
Many handlers try to make victims feel guilty, but we should never feel guilty about anything, the most important thing is your well-being, and if you feel negative emotions, it’s because something is wrong, it’s a good idea to stay away from the person, whether it’s a relationship of friendship, of love, etc.
